Buenos Aires the return

I left Buenos Aires in November 2011 after 9 months living in the city. I’ve spent the past three years until my return a month ago dreaming, remembering, reminiscing about my time here. It grabbed a part of me like few places have done before, and certainly none since. I met great people, I had amazing experiences, I made some life long friends.

In my absence, some of my friends went home, returning to their home countries and to a “normal” life, whatever that means. Others fell in love and set up home with their partners, children, pets. Some got married. I returned for one wedding but a few more occurred in my absence. People grew, got older, changed.

Apart from me it would appear.

I have changed a little in three years. I no longer dwell on the broken heart that lead me to South America in the first place. Time creates a distance between even the most painful moments, allowing room for reflection and a realisation that someone who you may have once thought was your whole life, was actually a person you were never meant to have anything more than a passing connection with, perhaps to learn a little more about the great mysteries that lie within the heart.

But I remain no closer to the truth of what my heart really wants. To know one thing was not meant to be does not mean the path forward to what is is any more illuminated. It remains as mysterious as the time my adult consciousness first came to be. The David of today is no less naive or ignorant of what I want than the David of my late teens.

And so I return to Buenos Aires and chase the same distractions I sought three and a half years ago. The constant hum of the city, the busy streets and cafes, the 24/7 nightlife. The difference is that three and a half years ago I was running from a broken heart. What am I running from now?

I envy those who seem content, even while I cajole them to stay out for just one more drink, just one more bar, just “one more”… Part of me is happy to see those I care about seemingly fulfilled with their lives. Another part of me desires them to partner me in my flight from the light of reason and rationality, to seek with me the protection of the shadows. My ever wandering heart not knowing where my port in this stormy life is located…

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